Who doesn’t bring their work home with them?
When a lawyer arrives at home, walks through the door, changes into comfortable clothing and then sits down at the dinner table, it does not mean that they have left the effects of their job at the office.
In fact, many professions have job-related fallout that affects family and social interactions. For example, brave military servicemen and servicewomen who return home from combat zones discover that his or her automatic response developed during armed conflict now plays out in a combative way within their family.
The same can be said about a good litigator, who is armed with specific skills and engages in battles on behalf of his or her clients.
An asset in your law practice can be a liability to the harmony and peace in your home. These exceptional assets in the firm can quickly become liabilities at home with wives, husbands, children, and friends. These skills and abilities which are invaluable at work could cost these attorneys his or her family. At the very least can make home life miserable for everyone.
Our litigators and barristers, the masters of the courtroom, find themselves vulnerable to this dilemma.
3 Powerful Litigation Skills
Here are three skills that, once honed, become significant assets to any attorney who litigates.
- Problem-solving
- Cross-examination
- The desire to win
Although there are many more, we will show how leaving these particular skills at the office might enormously benefit personal relationships.
No. 1: Problem Solving
At Work:
An excellent litigator is considered a hero. Many people at one time or another seek a skilled litigator who is worth his or her weight in gold, not only to the firm but also to the clients who hire them. Having a good lawyer on your side who can out think and out maneuver other solicitors makes the difference between winning or losing.
At Home:
If they have not left their problem-solving skills behind, they may find themselves immediately involved in a conflict without having the entire story or, even worse taking sides. Many times all the family just wants someone to listen.
Meet Ed:
Ed’s wife would meet him at the door with a list of the children’s transgressions, and another list of household and financial challenges. Ed began to dread going home. It was as if he never got any time off.
Ed learned how to patiently teach his family that once he arrived home, time alone was a necessity. Finally, his family understood that he needed time to decompress. Ed began going upstairs as soon as he got home to shower and listen to music.
Others stressed workers found meditation, going for a run, or a workout could relieve the stress from a challenging day of work.Ed and his wife set up more relaxing venues to discuss problems and family issues. Going for a family walk or enjoying ice cream proved to be a much better setting for family discussions.
Ed ended up saving time and frustration when he stopped being the family problem solver while encouraging productive family discussions. In the long run, he built stronger and more peaceful family relationships.
No. 2: Cross Examination
At Work:
Cross-examination thrives on conflict. The lawyer is looking for a weakness, finding the difficulties, out-thinking, and out questioning the competition.
These abilities can make or break an attorney. In complex litigation, document review, discovery, motion practice, etc. are pretty much what they do. It can be incredibly tedious. The conflict becomes wearing after a while.
At Home:
It can be easy for an attorney to go into a cross-examination mode. Feeling overworked, overburdened and squeezed for time, a solicitor can easily lapse into his or her professional training when encountering a problem at home.
Rapid-fire questioning to determine who is right and who is wrong will not build family trust or meaningful relationships, especially with children.
Meet Elizabeth:
Every night when Elizabeth drove home, she carried a mental list of chores that should have been done by family members. Upon noticing that some tasks were not completed, she launched into a cross-examination to find out who was at fault and why.
This habit always escalated into a shouting match. Elizabeth could not find a way to have a reasonable conversation with them. She decided to change her behaviors to see what happened.
Each night as Elizabeth drove home, as a reminder of her new habit, she put a sign up on her dashboard that said, “No Cross Examination.”
After arriving home, she went on a short run, showered and in thirty minutes she felt refreshed and ready for dinner.
Elizabeth forced herself to leave her stress and frustration at the office. Elizabeth began to avoid confrontation. Instead of faultfinding through cross-examination tactics at the dinner table, she lightened up, and the family was able to relax and enjoy each other’s company. These healthy behaviors strengthened the relationships with her children and her husband.
No. 3: The Desire to Win
At Work:
An accomplished litigator has the desire to succeed and does everything within their power to win. It requires a fact-finding mission and a non-emotional outlook. When an attorney loses a case, after much hard work and cost to the client, it can be devastating.
At home, this same desire to win can strain relationships. Ambition, narcissism, skepticism, defensiveness, perfectionism and the need to be in control does not enhance interpersonal relationships.
The same traits that bring lawyers success in the workplace can derail a satisfying and happy family life.
Meet Robert and Lisa
Robert and Lisa were both attorneys. They had fallen head over heels in love. Both worked in prestigious firms and took pride in their careers.
When they had disagreements or disputes, as if in a courtroom, their professional personalities took over and a desire to win caused a significant strain in their marriage.
To solve this problem, they instituted specific procedures that resulted in discussions without conflict.
Although it took time and practice, they eventually abandoned their positional stance of winning at all costs. They were once again able to enjoy laughter and intimacy in their marriage.
In many cases, my client attorneys find it too difficult to bring peace and restore joy to their families on their own.I understand why wise lawyers seek a therapist, counselor or a coach to help break long-standing destructive habits.
Getting outside help allows the families of litigators, barristers, and all other attorneys enjoy peace of mind and restore love, intimacy and joy at home with their families.
It is important for every lawyer to admit if you do not have people in your life with whom you feel comfortable sharing your difficulties. Seek outside professional help. Many times I hear my clients say, “I don’t know how I could have done this without you.”
You Have Bounce-Back Power
Remember, your law career is a lifelong journey. It’s not a linear experience. Being a lawyer is hard. Practice being kind to yourself. Find healthy and constructive ways of practicing self-care. Understand that failure and disappointment are just part of being a good lawyer.
Be sure to get the emotional and business support that you need to make sure that 2017 will be your best year ever.
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“I help law firms and lawyers increase profits and engage their lawyers.”
Pamela DeNeuve
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