Attorneys: 4 Ways to Remove Anger and Frustration From Your Law Practice

Many attorneys attack impossible situations like a battering ram. In ancient history, warriors used a machine that consisted of a heavy beam with an iron tip, which swung back and forth battering down walls. Today firefighters or police use battering rams, which is a heavy metal bar, to break down walls and doors.

While lawyers don’t use an actual instrument; many believe that the use of force, either through intelligence, wit, manipulation or even using the law is the answer to everything.   These solutions do not always work.

An American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971) authored a prayer that has been adopted by several organizations from Alcoholics Anonymous to Yale in various forms.

It goes in part:

A.  …Grant me the serenity

B.  …Accept the things I cannot change,

C.  …The courage to change the things I can,

D.  …The wisdom to know the difference.

While this is the opposite of the battering-ram approach, let’s examine these four solutions that you can use in your law practice.

 A.  Grant me Serenity

Meredith a partner and Timothy, a Senior Partner, do not see eye to eye. Meredith takes a personal affront and interprets all of Timothy’s corrections and unsolicited guidance as a personal attack. Her battering-ram solution is to defend, counter attack, pout, complain, or become angry and upset. Because Meredith and Timothy are working closely on a long and very involved case, she is upset every day, sometimes all day. Both Timothy and Meredith feel trapped.

I admit that stressful working situations are common, the methods that Meredith uses mentioned above NEVER work. The case must be completed, and her behavior is both childish and unproductive.

Meredith must find serenity in other words she must discover a calmness, an untroubled, composure within herself. No one can give Meredith peace. Even if Timothy was correcting her or says something out of line, once she becomes calm, she can address the issue in a positive way. Anger and upset are like battering rams that many times only make the situation worse.

B.  Accept the Things I Cannot Change

We all have situations where we cannot change our conditions. We cannot “make” another person change or do what we want them to do. If we need our job, we cannot just walk out. A wife cannot change her husband, and a husband cannot change his wife.

If a marriage is damaged, yet one or both are committed to remaining in the union, this cannot be changed. Another, almost impossible issue I work with is clients who have unmanageable teenagers.

Linda, a single mom, who worked in a large firm, had to accept that she could not change the behavior of her 15-year old son. “Linda.” I said, “You can only do your best. I know it is very painful but feeling hurt, devastated and gutted emotionally will not help this situation. You have to make a living for yourself and your four children. You can only do your best, find sources of support such as counseling but you must be active and productive in your law practice.”

Linda had to accept what, despite her best efforts, she can not change, even though it is very difficult.

Elliott screamed, “I CAN’T ACCEPT THIS SITUATION! The opposing counsel is playing dirty! They keep filing motions! They are dragging the case along! They are adversarial and nasty! This settlement is important to my firm. I think I am getting ulcers over this case.”

I asked Elliott, “What are your choices? Can you change any of the behaviors of opposing counsel?”

“That is the problem. I feel like I am stranded on an island dying of thirst,” sighed Elliott.

“Elliott,” I said, “You cannot change the situation here, but there is one thing you can change.   You can change your attitude about it. As I see it, you can stay angry and have a tantrum about the opposing counsel’s tactics or change your attitude about it for your self-preservation. You can either deal with things by kicking and screaming or find a way to deal with it.”

I continued, “Adjusting your attitude is the only answer. Your anger keeps you feeling as if you are stranded on an island. You could also interpret it as a roller coaster ride and ride the ups and downs breathing, accepting and even finding the behavior of the other side amusing. Since you think their behavior is idiotic, find the humor in it and go along for the ride.”

C.  The Courage to Change What You Can

In many cases we cannot leave our jobs, divorce our husband or wife, abandon a business, walk away from an extremely difficult case, or divorce our teenagers. We can feel stuck, or we can change our attitude.

What we can change is our attitude about the situation. Go back to #1, which is to find serenity, peace, and acceptance. There is a saying, “It is…what it is.” Being distraught, angry, frustrated is indeed optional.

Peaceful Solutions

Many of my clients say, “Pamela how can I find peace is this difficult situation?” I know it is hard. None of us is immune. I also have had to struggle through difficult circumstances. There are four things that I tell my clients.

1. Keep in your uppermost mind that most of our problems are temporary. Although it feels like it is forever life always changes.
2. Sit down and list 20 things in your life that “are” working. I liken it to taking a helicopter up and far above your life. This gives us the opportunity to see our problem or frustration in the right perspective.
3. I know you may hate to hear this, but it could always be worse. You could have died today or worse yet; a loved one could have died. When you put your current problem next to that, it doesn’t seem so daunting.
4. Tell yourself that you are stronger than your emotions. You are a survivor,

D.  Wisdom to Know The Difference

Staying angry and upset all of the time shortens your lifespan and compromises your overall health.  Ask yourself these questions.

• Is there anything I can do about this situation today?
• What am I afraid of?
• What is the worst that can possibly happen?
• What do I need to do to have a peaceful day?

Asking yourself these questions can help you gain peace of mind for this day. Then, you can ask yourself the same questions tomorrow and the next day and the next. I have had clients write these questions down on index cards and carry them around in their pocket.

In 2008 and 2014, Yale Book of Quotations editor Fred R. Shapiro published evidence showing that versions of the Serenity Prayer were in use as early as 1933; Their quote was:

 …Give us courage to change what must be altered,

serenity to accept what cannot be helped,

and the insight to know the one from the other.

Finally, The philosopher W.W. Bartley juxtaposes the original prayer by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr with a Mother Goose rhyme (1695) expressing a similar sentiment:

For every ailment under the sun

There is a remedy, or there is none;

If there be one, try to find it;

If there be none, never mind it.

Pamela Helps Attorneys Revive Your Law Practice ★ Defeat: Stress, Anxiety, Depression & Addictions (20 years exper)

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