Every lawyer knows that allowing his or her personal emotions into a courtroom hearing can be lethal. There is only one objective, victory. An argument with the spouse, disagreement with a teenager, can result in the same response as clients asking for time or answers that you don’t have. If you can’t cope with a situation at the time, shove it into an imaginary box called “deal with it later.”
Emotions such as fear, sadness, grief, worry and anxiety can weaken a law practice. Similarly, an attorney like an NFL football player in the midst of the Super Bowl realizes that there is no room for emotions in the middle of a game. Lawyer’s success and compensation depend on solving problems, going after the bad guys and making them pay.
At home, it can be easy for an attorney to go into a cross-examination mode. Feeling overworked, overburdened and squeezed for time, it is easy to lapse into one’s professional training when encountering a problem at home. Rapid-fire questioning to determine who is right and who is wrong will not build family trust or good relationships.
Containing and dismissing emotions requires a particular mindset and conditioning that began in law school. The legal profession is not a career for the weak. Better said, this is not a profession for anyone who shows weakness. But, of course, all humans have weaknesses. Lawyers have been trained to hide their emotions, but there can be an enormous cost in their personal lives.
Oscar, a litigator, explained, “Pamela, I’m so used to not showing my emotions. My wife constantly complains that she married to someone who plays poker twenty-four hours per day. It is hard to let my guard down or to show vulnerability in any way. In fact, I don’t know how. My inability to be vulnerable is increasingly becoming a big problem in my marriage. ”
All humans are subject to the roller coaster ride of personal and professional ups and downs, pressures, problems, losses, and disappointments. Sometimes the rug can be pulled from beneath us at the wrong time. Attorneys are no different and perhaps are even more vulnerable than most. The cost of being in denial and suppression of emotions can affect an attorney in every way; professionally, emotionally, physically result in painful family relationships.
Let’s discuss some major disconnects inculcated into many attorneys, beginning in law school, that can affect personal relationships. I have encountered these difficulties with my clients during my 25+ years of coaching attorneys.
No. 1
Loss of empathy: Compassion must take a back seat to the facts.
Cost at home: It is difficult when family members barrage you with stories and seemingly irrelevant information just for the sake of conversation.
Personal Approach: Attorneys must develop the patience not just to listen, but also to show interest and try to put yourself in your family members shoes.
No. 2
Need to be in control: Control of a dispute, lawsuit or any matter is crucial. An attorney who habitually loses control could fail in their law practice.
Cost: It is problematic trying to blend in with the family without an agenda and instead to become a relaxed, laid-back member of the family going along with the flow.
Personal Approach: Accept that it is impossible to control family members. Practice deep breathing, patience and slowly learn how to become a flexible and relaxed family member.
No. 3
Poor loser: No good attorney ever becomes comfortable with losing.
Cost: It is tough to be comfortable losing arguments or debates or giving in. Giving up control, and doing activities someone else’s way, especially when you are sure that their way is the “wrong” way, is never easy.
Personal Approach: Instead of a win/lose attitude, approach interactions with a win/win mindset. Accept that there is more than one way to accomplish something. Even if things don’t go well, allow others to learn from their mistakes without a condescending statement like, “I told you so.”
No. 4
Intimidates others: The name of the game in the legal profession is to threaten and intimidate the opposition.
Cost: It difficult when feeling threatened disrespected or insulted to hold back your natural and inborn skills of intimidation. It is normally against an attorney’s bailiwick to become mild-mannered and easygoing in the middle of a disagreement.
Personal Approach: Gently encourage family members using a loving and persuasive approach. When feeling threatened, instead of blurting out quick-fire replies, wait twenty-four hours or at least until you have calmed before discussing the matter further.
No. 5
Intolerant: An attorney is usually predisposed and inclined to a belief or a particular point of view.
Cost: It is challenging to entertain different family members opinions, especially when you believe they are wrong.
Personal Approach: Be receptive when family members express their feelings, attitudes and ideas, even when you don’t agree. Avoid hostile one-liners that shut down further discussions. Allow others to express their thoughts by participating in a non-threatening exchange of ideas, which can be helpful to the entire families communication skills.
No. 6
Blames others: The nature of law is to find fault, accuse, and censure.
Cost: Looking for the guilty party in personal and family life leads to constant disharmony.
Personal Approach: Instead of criticism, look for an opportunity to show patient support and encourage everyone learn from his or her experiences.
No. 7
Analyzing everything: Cases are won based on examination, investigation and evaluation of all matters, large and small.
Cost: Scrutinizing, questioning, family members causes constant friction.
Personal Approach: Be approachable. Instead of analyzing and focusing on always solving problems, encourage family members to make decisions and learn from their mistakes. Teach them how to solve their own problems.
Adopt a motto that you can “always compromise”. You have two choices. You can be right or “dead” right. Here is an analogy. What if you are driving with your family in the car and an oncoming car completely disregards the red light. Although you see the car speeding through the intersection, since you have the right-of-way, you can decide to drive through the intersection. Your choice, however, risks your entire families life.
On the other hand, to survive, waiting and allowing the errant car to run the red light saves your family. The same can be said regarding disagreements within your family. You can be “dead right” and destroy family relationships, or you can be patient and compassionate by looking at the bigger picture. The bigger picture is to have a successful and happy family.
I have helped hundreds of attorney’s families transform their relationships. I’d love to chat with you.
Attorney Balanced Life Coach ★ Stress-Depression & Anger Management★
★ Invigorate Your & Career Renewal ★ Divorce/Marriage Difficulties ★
For Your 45-Minute Complimentary Strategy Session
Click on link below to set appointment on my calendar based on availability
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.